Every year I dedicate the last blog of the year to lessons learned over the course of 365 days. I’ve thought a lot about this one, mostly because I haven’t written since September and am not sure if I can come up with 15 things this time around. The last few months have been a whirlwind and honestly, I haven’t had time to process it. I’ve spent much of the last six and half years wearing my heart and mind on my sleeve for all to see. I’ve been uncensored, raw and truthful to a fault. I’ve alienated friends and family members along the way. I’ve questioned myself more times than I can remember. It’s truly been an exhausting process.
I didn’t believe my world could be up ended again in such a profound way as it has been in the last six months. And for once, I’m not ready to talk about it. Go figure. I have let you into my broken heart and let you watch me while I dissect it over and over again. And I didn’t think anything was off limits when it came to this blog but apparently I was wrong. Again, go figure.
Here’s what I can tell you: I have been fundamentally changed by not only the last six months, but the last six years. Much of it has been open to criticism, as well as great support. Much of it has been defined by incredible loss, and in return, incredible growth. I have learned to surround myself with a few key people whom I have put an enormous amount of trust in. If I have learned anything in the last six months, it truly is that you will quickly find out who your true friends are in your lowest moments. And I wasn’t disappointed.
I’ve learned a few other things along the way this year. Like, I am one of the most underinformed people you will ever meet when it comes to current events. And I could care less. The media is total bullshit. I’ve also learned that I can live an entire day without my cell phone and feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about people tracking me down or who may have texted me over the course of a day. I’ve learned that a Get The Led Out show is a great way to spend an evening. I even learned that I can plan, coordinate and execute a fucking light parade.
I’ve learned that outliving my father’s 44 years of life has had a profound effect on how I view age and quality of life. I’ve learned how much of my life that he missed when I look at Max and see him evolve.
I’ve learned that I struggle with trust and only in my darkest moments have I been able to let my guard completely down. And I’m so thankful for that.
I’ve learned that I am more capable than I ever imagined in putting the past behind me. Six and a half years of processing two major losses left me at that “come to Jesus moment”. I will never be the same after losing my brother. A sibling death is a completely different than a parent death. But, the losses have taken on an integrative quality and the holes look different and feel different than they did a few years ago.
I’ve learned that there is a huge difference between true giving and being a martyr.
I’ve learned that life is so much better when you let people in. And kick some out.
I’ve learned that even I need my privacy. And privacy is a hard thing for a girl who has been putting it out there for all to see for the last six and a half years.
Huh. I guess I did learn a few things this year. Happy 2016!